Arse Of Glass (after Felix Kubin)

People are always asking me what I would do if I was on Britain's Got Talent. 'Well', I reply. 'I'm glad you asked me that, because what I would do is to sing the Sinead O'Connor song Nothing Compares 2 Me.' 'Don't you mean Nothing Compares 2U?', they reply, and I laugh in their faces, because they have missed the whole point, stupid idiots.

As I win through in successive rounds, I will have plenty of material to draw on:

I'm The Best Thing

I'm The One That I Want

I'm the Greatest Dancer

Waiting For A Girl Like Me

and (the one I'm saving for the final) I'm So Vain, containing the mind-boggling line: 'I probably think this song is about me, don't I? Don't I?'

After this wins the show, I will probably 'go commercial' and do something merely vulgar, like, for example, substitute the word 'arse' for the word 'heart' in selected songs, as in:

Total Eclipse of the Arse

Don't Go Breaking My Arse ('I couldn't if I tried.')

My Arse Will Go On

Something's Gotten Hold Of My Arse

Then how about substituting 'wanking' for 'dancing', as in:

I'm In The Mood For Wanking

and:

Wanking On The Ceiling

After this it would all become too much and I would have to lie down for many many years, after which I would adopt a more subtle approach, changing one word in a specific song to alter its meaning dramatically, a good example being Papa Don't Preach, in which the substitution of 'eating' for 'keeping' elevates Madonna's penchant for controversy to whole new levels: 'I've made up my mind, I'm eating my baby, oh I'm gonna EAT my baby, mmmm...'